Tag Archive | write

What Do You Want with Your Life?

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I’ve been nagging myself with that question in these past few months but I still don’t know what my ultimate goal is.

Sure, I want to be sucessful. I want a stable job and a simple life with a family. I want a life that I don’t have to worry about not being able to eat tomorrow. That I can provide for myself and my family. It was just a simple dream. But the thing is, it felt impossible. Unattainable. That I really have to go out of the country just to attain that. Because in here, my profession is in vain.

And there goes writing. I want writing to be my profession, not just a hobby, but my parents didn’t allow me to take any writing related courses so instead, I became a licensed Pharmacist. Not that I hate my current job. I love being a Pharmacist but I just don’t like the current practice here in my country.

I know I don’t need to have a degree just to write. But knowing you are well qualified still means something.

I know a lot of things. I read a lot. I know how to do them. But I still feel insufficient. I still feel useless.

Maybe I just missed my regular readers in college. Since we graduated, I barely see them. My colleagues at work don’t even read. I don’t understand why they never read novels. Probably, they never read a book that could amaze them. Or they were just so lazy to open and read one.

Sometimes, I want to hate my life. That I felt unlucky compared to others in my age. But I know it’s not true. I’m lucky. I get to do a lot of things I love. I can write anything I want.

But what do I want with my life?

Aside from those simple things, my ultimate goal probably is: To be able to share to the world my stories and novels and poems, hoping somehow they could inspire them. I know I have a lot to learn. And what I learned would be shared as well.

Or maybe, I am just insane. What about you? Do you have the same question in life?

Nothing

I used to compose 1-2 poems everyday but I kind of forgotten about it since I started working on my novels…. until something unexpected happened that clouded my mind and sparked my poetic side.

This poem is called:

Nothing

I want to hold you but i can’t
Because I’m afraid you’ll just pull away
I want to see you again but i can’t
Because I’m afraid with what you’ll say

We’re friends and I don’t want to lose that
I don’t want to tie you to something I only want
But I want to feel that scorching fire so hot
That burn me inside out that I pant

I want you but I don’t know if you do, too
Was it just because of sudden passion?
Or something deeper burns inside of you
Or it was nothing and out of the question?

I don’t want to feel this and I hate myself now
For feeling this kind of sudden longing
But I’d rather be silent than regret what I’ll avow
I’d rather have you as this than nothing…

Typos

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I was surprised seeing the dreaded typographical error after reading my novel for the nth time. I even let an English Prof edit it and most of my friends read it but nobody caught the “at one” instead of “at once.”

Ridiculous but I realized, I really have to read it out loud… which is sickening…

But I have to finishing reading it… I might catch more typos… Just irritating…

I am tired of reading it all over again and again but when I thought of the happiness writing bring me, every doubts I had disappear.

I have to get back to work. Polish my words until they shine.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Typographical_error

Good or Bad

It’s been a long long time since I composed a poem, my first writing outlet, and I think I’m kind of rusty now but here it goes…

Good or Bad

I feel so useless like I don’t deserve to exist
I feel so hollow like I am nothing but a mist
I feel so broken that I could no longer be fixed
And now, I feel so much unloved that I had been hexed

I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t help it
I’m so confused that I don’t know how to conceal it
I am not sure if that was just a night of mistake
Or you do want me too that you could no longer take

But then, you are someone I could never have and hold
But because of what you did to me, I feel so bold
But in the end, I feel despair eating me away
Now what’s wrong with me? What have we done? What can I say?

I don’t know if I want to cry for something I lost
Or I’ll be elated with pleasure and pain to boast
How could I treat you the same if something happened?
I don’t know if it’s something good or bad in the end…

Elusive Bliss Excerpt Part 1

PROLOGUE

I do not know what they want of me. I am not the one they think I am. Or am I? I’m not sure. But I think they want my life for it.

Who am I? I’m one of those hideous creatures lurking in the night, waiting for a prey to come. I’m not meant to be like this—a bloodsucker. Just an unfortunate night of my life that forced me into this kind of life which I will tell you later.

I’m here to tell a story. I’m a hunter as well as the hunted by unknown enemies waiting to attack. They want me for something I don’t know I have. It runs in the blood, I guess.

I deserve it for I’d been bad. I killed a lot. My own sin is beyond forgiveness.

My name is Rhavelle—Rhavelle Mersine, a five-year-old immortal. So young compared to others I’d met in my twisted life.

I lived in the era where women do not have any right to excel. Women would be praised for being submissive. But that is not the story I am going to tell. I no longer belong to that world now.

I’m not going to tell you the exact date of my birth or any other significant events of my life. They might know that I wrote what had happened to my life and might object to anything I say.

I’m not here to discuss you about my vampire capabilities. I can fly, yes, I can. I’m monstrously strong. I almost have no weakness—except for sunlight, fire, silvers and stakes. Well, that’s a lot, I guess.

What I am about to tell, as my ever unfading memory recalls, is the story of what had happened to me five years ago.

***

CHAPTER ONE — I HAVE BECOME

That night should have been just an ordinary night. In a hurry, I walked to work, knowing I was about to be late. The manager would be angry with me again. I was a singer in a cabaret called Elusive Bliss.

A man suddenly blocked my way, towering over me. Into a dark alley near the cabaret, he dragged me. It all happened so fast that the next thing I knew, he already pinned me to the wall. I tried to scream, wriggling my body free from his grasp, but his cold hand covered my mouth. It was too dark that I couldn’t see his face. Only his eyes. His red glowing eyes.

“Do not scream,” he said. “Do not move.”

His deep voice reverberated inside my brain. I stood there in panic, heart pounding, being held by a stranger. I opened my mouth to scream but I couldn’t.

His eyes were beckoning me. In my head, he chanted, You are mine, you are mine, you are mine, you are mine…

I felt my whole body relaxed. Yes, I thought. Yes, I’m yours…

His hands touched my face. I saw a black mark on his left inner wrist. It was a letter M. I didn’t know what it meant. All I knew was: I’m only his and his alone.

Slowly, he tilted my head, exposing my delicate neck. The gesture was erotic as the cold breeze of the night touched the sensitive flesh of my throat. Then he lowered his head and planted a soft, cold kiss.

I gasped, wide-eyed when I felt a sudden pain. A stab of his fatal fangs. But I didn’t care. I was his and nothing more. I was nothing. Floating into the endless abyss of darkness, into the arms of oblivion, I was becoming nothing but his own. I was nothing.

I could barely open my eyes when I realized that the dream was over. I was dreaming, wasn’t I? I tried to move but I realized I couldn’t. I was sitting on a sidewalk bench, head dropped. I wondered how I got here. I was in the dark alley with that man.

There was pain all over me. My arms, legs, waist, and breast hurt. Even inside my very being ached. Between my legs, I felt excruciating pain, like something was flowing from within me but I was so weak to move to check it. So weak that I couldn’t even move a finger. I could feel my faltering heartbeat—so weak and dying. I was dying. I was lost. I didn’t know what had happened. All I remembered was: I was going to Elusive Bliss and—

He came, a young looking man who pulled my head up to face him and cradled my aching body on his strong shoulder. Then to my dread and astonishment, he bit his wrist and pressed it into my almost dead lips.

“Drink,” he said.

And so I did. I tasted his blood. Why did I do that? What was this man doing to me? I could barely see. I knew he was not the one who did this to me. I drank his blood, not knowing why. Memories—visions of him flooded my head.

His name was Jacen McLendon, a hundred-year-old vampire living in this town. But he had the face of twenty-five-year-old young man. This town was his territory, given by his sire, Lionel. His blood-brothers ruled the other nearby towns.

I awoke from the lucid dream of his life. I could see the deserted street, much clearer than before. The night didn’t seem to bother me. I could smell everything, from the freshly-rained ground to the sweet, blood-stench air. I could even see the minute details of the leaves of the trees across, even the uneven bark of the trunk, covered with moss. It was like I was clearly seeing the world for the very first time.

“W—what happened?” I managed to ask. I tried to get up but the sudden pain in my stomach halted me at once. I gasped.

He lifted me out of the bench, hid me behind the bushes and set me on the ground. The cramping pain on my stomach made me curl on my knees and I bit my lips to suppress a scream. I screamed a silent agonized scream until the pain miraculously subsided. Then my own memories flooded into me. I remembered everything.

I tried to move but I couldn’t. My whole body couldn’t obey me. I felt like a mere spectator of some theatrical play wherein the heroine was being assaulted by the villain. On the wall, the stranger pinned me and raised the hems of the layers of my skirt. Cupping my bottom, he forced his hard shaft into me. I opened my mouth to scream for help but no voice came out. The sharp pain of his assault brought warm tears into my eyes. He tore the front of my bodice exposing the swell of my breast and sank his teeth into it. He drank my blood while his body savored my innocence.

He pounded mercilessly, gasping in my ears, embracing me tightly. His brutal thrust went on and on, violating me. The numbing pain crawled into my whole body. It seemed endless. I wanted to struggle but I couldn’t. I felt ashamed of myself. After his final forceful thrust, my knees gave out. He let me go and let me fall on the filthy ground of the alley.

“Oh, my God,” I said in a hardly audible whisper. Warm tears escaped from my eyes. How could I be deflowered in a dark filthy alley and by some stranger that I couldn’t even recognize?

“Hush now, lady. Everything will fine…” this young man said. He smile reassuringly and removed his black coat. He let me wear it, covering my torn clothing and pulled my arms to wrap around his shoulders and lifted me up. He was so strong that I felt like a paper to him. Then to my astonishment, he took off and we soared up in the air.

“Where are we going? What happened to me?” I asked weakly. “You could fly?”

His gaze was up to the sky. “Sleep and rest well, lady. We have a long journey ahead,” he whispered and my tired eyes obeyed him.

(to be continued…)

Writing Break

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After three months of editing after I finished writing/revising this current novel I’m working on, I got tired and I realized, I badly needed a break. My mind as well as my eyes felt tired. I have to print it now so my bestfriend can critique it for me because I feel so sick of reading it. Sometimes, I ask myself, why am I doing this? After eight long years of writing, I never really wanted to stop. Just now I need to breakaway from my novels and characters. It’s just a little break. The second book of this series is already popping out of my mind and I badly needed to write it soon. But I feel I need to research more of my topic I’m dealing with because it’s getting deeper and deeper and new ideas started to spring out of my restless head.

Ideas are everywhere. The challenge is how to write it all in this short lifetime of mine. I hope I can live that long to write everything I wanted to read.

My writing break may only last for a week… or probably a day. Because whenever I am not writing, I feel different. As if I’m not me.

I’m planning to post some excerpts here… if I think it is ready.

Fifty Shades Freed

Well… what can I say? Hmmm. I’m glad I’m free from reading it?

It took me 100 pages before I got hooked on it. Maybe I got bored about the sex stuff (shrug). It started to be exciting then it’ll be plateau again. Gosh… It took me a little while to finish this–because I’m not hooked at once.

They got so sweet and cheesy that there’s no tension at all. The story as a whole was really not that deep and as complicated. The only reason I decided to read it was because my friends were asking me about it, knowing me, I’m a curious creature, I started reading it.

I must say I liked Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker than this book. I only thing that made me picked up my reading speed was when Ana became ********! Haha of course this is not a spoiler for those who haven’t read it.

Parts of the story bored me, knowing they are already *******. Less tension, less grip. They were quarrelling about the same thing all over again. And the dialogue –The fair/good point well made–made me roll my eyes in a bad way. Maybe, because everything suddenly becomes cliches. Nothing new.

The villains… seemed not so threatening at all. Like Christian Grey could simply crush them all…

Only after page 300 that I read faster, wanting to end this… agony? Well… I simply don’t really feel the emotions of this book unlike the first two. It made me laugh somehow but it did not affect me as the first two books did.

I would want read the first two books again but not this one. This feels like a fairy tale without much tension. I miss the intensity of the emotions this trilogy started. I’m just glad I finished it. I can concentrate on my editing and critiquing my own work of blood on paper.

Well… I’m still looking forward for the upcoming movie. Still hoping for Ian Somerhalder to play Christian Grey, knowing he would be perfect for that. I hope E L James and the producers will consider him or even choose him! I would definitely jump to my feet to know that.

Despite all the bad reviews I read, the typos in the books I noticed and weird vocabularies, I still fell in love with Christian (Mercurial, Fucked-up, Control Freak, Palm Twitching CEO) Grey.
Anyway, I can see Alexis Bledel to be Anastasia Steele. lol