Tag Archive | life

What Do You Want with Your Life?

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I’ve been nagging myself with that question in these past few months but I still don’t know what my ultimate goal is.

Sure, I want to be sucessful. I want a stable job and a simple life with a family. I want a life that I don’t have to worry about not being able to eat tomorrow. That I can provide for myself and my family. It was just a simple dream. But the thing is, it felt impossible. Unattainable. That I really have to go out of the country just to attain that. Because in here, my profession is in vain.

And there goes writing. I want writing to be my profession, not just a hobby, but my parents didn’t allow me to take any writing related courses so instead, I became a licensed Pharmacist. Not that I hate my current job. I love being a Pharmacist but I just don’t like the current practice here in my country.

I know I don’t need to have a degree just to write. But knowing you are well qualified still means something.

I know a lot of things. I read a lot. I know how to do them. But I still feel insufficient. I still feel useless.

Maybe I just missed my regular readers in college. Since we graduated, I barely see them. My colleagues at work don’t even read. I don’t understand why they never read novels. Probably, they never read a book that could amaze them. Or they were just so lazy to open and read one.

Sometimes, I want to hate my life. That I felt unlucky compared to others in my age. But I know it’s not true. I’m lucky. I get to do a lot of things I love. I can write anything I want.

But what do I want with my life?

Aside from those simple things, my ultimate goal probably is: To be able to share to the world my stories and novels and poems, hoping somehow they could inspire them. I know I have a lot to learn. And what I learned would be shared as well.

Or maybe, I am just insane. What about you? Do you have the same question in life?

Writer’s Depression

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For the past few days, I’d been suffering from–what I call–Writer’s Depression.

I got to a point that I no longer know what I want with my life.
That I was no longer sure if I should pursue on this writing path I’m in.
My real profession is also in vain.
I felt so pathetic and helpless.
I felt so useless even to my family.
That what I earn is never enough for my family.
That I thought of leaving this world for good.
I wished to sleep forever.

But I fought it.
I know those thoughts were not true.
A lot of people cares about me.
I’m in a plateau state of my current profession.
My writing career is only about to start, after I finished polishing this manuscript I’m working on.
Suicide is not an option.

I told myself:
I’m a fighter. I’m not giving up on this. I’ve been on this writing world for 9 long years and I can’t just stop now.
I’m still young. I have a long way to go. There are still a lot of people in this world who likes to read like me.

In Another Life

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If I’m gone, would you miss me?
Would you say world’s different without me?
I seriously doubt that
I never affected you the way you did to me
I’m just a trusted friend
Nothing more, nothing less
Maybe in another life
Maybe if I’m prettier
If I’m thinner
Or maybe taller
Or even fairier
But I’m still here
Always willing to listen
To understand you
To comfort you
Anything you want
For now, I’ll be your trusted friend
Until maybe in another life
You can finally see me…

(Free Verse IV)

~ a poem inspired by Katy Perry’s Song The One That Got Away
~ while editing / revising my novel, poetry muse strikes me even while commuting

Writing Break

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After three months of editing after I finished writing/revising this current novel I’m working on, I got tired and I realized, I badly needed a break. My mind as well as my eyes felt tired. I have to print it now so my bestfriend can critique it for me because I feel so sick of reading it. Sometimes, I ask myself, why am I doing this? After eight long years of writing, I never really wanted to stop. Just now I need to breakaway from my novels and characters. It’s just a little break. The second book of this series is already popping out of my mind and I badly needed to write it soon. But I feel I need to research more of my topic I’m dealing with because it’s getting deeper and deeper and new ideas started to spring out of my restless head.

Ideas are everywhere. The challenge is how to write it all in this short lifetime of mine. I hope I can live that long to write everything I wanted to read.

My writing break may only last for a week… or probably a day. Because whenever I am not writing, I feel different. As if I’m not me.

I’m planning to post some excerpts here… if I think it is ready.

Work to Live, Not to Die

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Upon pondering on things, I realized I work to live, not to die. I work to support my family. With the current work I have, I can do it although not as grand as I want it to be. A sideline would be fine.

With an opportunity I let go, it made me see things clearly. If I choose it, I have to sacrifice a lot of things including the following:

-My night sleep. Night differential is fine but not enough. At night, the body recovers. Nothing can beat a hell of 8 hours of sleep. Not even money.

-My free time to have a social life. I’ll be saying goodbye to occasional bar hopping and drinking and singing (lol). I would not have that.

-My time to write, of course. Writing has been the powerful energy that molded me. If I go with it, I’ll be sleepy during the day. I would rather sleep than write and I will no longer be me. Although if I really want to, I still can but I’ll be pushing myself further. I would rather spend the night writing than abuse myself.

-My fellow medical professionals. Their company is not something money can buy. Every day is pricess.

-The proximity. In my current work, I am only 30 mins to 1 hour away from home and it only took me one ride to get there. With the new offer, I’ll be suffering traffic and 3 rides. I’ll also be spending 2-3 hours just to get there.

I might even get sick so I’ll be needing those medication benefits they can give me. What the hell? Of course, I would rather be healthy. I don’t need their useless benefits.

With its confined environment and repeated work load, I might get bored. From where I am, I am fine although not as content as I want to be. But I can do things I wanted to do. And I enjoyed it.

In a place where I can freely write, nothing else matters…

(But if the offer is so great, I might sacrifice those things. Hahaha… only if the price is right. For now, it doesn’t match my needs so I’ll be sticking around here first and wait until another opportunity knocks on my door. Did I just eat what I said? ;p)